This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
