I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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