im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
