The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
