i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
my poor anus
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
