I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
