Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
