I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
