I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I look better un-naked...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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