my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i don't like sucking hair
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
