I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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