you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
