New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
