my phone needs a breathalizer
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
