Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
