I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
