I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
