Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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