If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
