Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
