**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
