I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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