So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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