mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
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