Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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