If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
