Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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