First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
