i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
