i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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