Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
