i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
