OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
