I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
