if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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