u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
