I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
