i may or may not be watching the land before time
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
