We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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