I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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