at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
