I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
