Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
