Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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