Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
