She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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