i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
