it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
