I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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