I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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